Last post we talked about money and how finances can be a struggle. Now let’s look at sex and intimacy and how this can be a source of frustration and arguments.
Sex tends to be the second biggest area which comes up for couples I work with. The complaints and issues range from not enough sex, too much sex, or the wrong sex. And these issues tend to run much deeper.
So how do we talk about sex?
When entering into any sex discussion, keep these three tips in mind to make the conversation successful:
- Make the time. Sit down away from kids, chores, and other adulthood obligations, and have a meaningful and intentional sex discussion. In a relationship that is strong and healthy, each person should feel comfortable and free to openly discuss their sexual wants, needs, and desires.
- Mentally Prepare. It is very important to do this when each of you is prepared and ready to talk and not expecting things to become physically intimate at that moment. Often society makes talking about sex feel like it is not OK, so at first this conversation can leave each of you feeling very vulnerable and even uncomfortable. I can tell you though, that the more open you both are about your sexual wants and needs, the happier you will be as a couple – and the less fights you will have!
- Develop a routine. Work on having normal conversations on a daily basis to help feel comfortable discussing more intimate topics. My personal favorite is talking over dinner and really making an effort to show that I am listening to my spouse. This can look like asking about their work day, something about them I don’t know, or even a news item from the day to just connect about. When it comes to increasing communication, it takes consistent practice!
Putting into Practice
With the above tips in mind, let’s explore some of the common arguments regarding sex.
The issue: One or both partners are unhappy about the amount or type of sex. Arguments that come from the amount of sex or type of sex being had can indicate that talking about sex and your sexual relationship in general is uncomfortable or non-existent for you. When we have a hard time talking about sex, it can lead to further blame and resentment. One or both partners can feel like they are not being heard or their needs are not being met either in a sexual or emotional way.
What to try: When having a conversation about sex, be bold and honest! Address frequency of sex, sexual positions, or kind of sex that each partner wants. Use active listening to understand what your partner is saying and feeling. When each partner listens to the other, it can make a world of difference in working toward solutions that satisfy both of you.
The issue: Do I not turn you on?
Sometimes fights about sex can be that one of the partners in the relationship feels like the other is no longer attracted to them and the sex suffers. Fear not, this does not mean that they are not attracted to you at all. This can often be a product of low self-esteem in themselves and you happen to be the person who gets blamed for this.
What to try: Use the guidelines above for talking about sex to have a very open discussion with your partner about their feelings and attraction. They may surprise you and reveal that there is a reason unrelated to you that is causing their disinterest, like a stressful work situation.
A good couples counselor can also help you determine what the underlying issue is and guide you to work through this.
The issue: My partner may be cheating
There are instances in which one partner not wanting sex as frequently or at all can indicate that there is an affair happening.
What to try: If you think this is the case, then see a couples counselor ASAP! An affair is hard enough to deal with alone and process through, so having someone to hear both sides and figure out where the couple will go from here can help.
There also may not be an affair going on, but one partner could be thinking about cheating which shows that there is again either self-esteem issues, lack of communication about needs, or possibly resentment from past hurts.
So along with couples counseling, talk, talk, and talk more. The only way these issues are going to be brought out into the open is by asking and being open to talking about them. If you are struggling to find the courage to address this issue, ask yourself, “Do I want to just keep fighting about the same things and not getting anywhere?”
The issue: Either myself or my partner just doesn’t want to have sex.
Sometimes there are other reasons behind why one partner does not want to have sex. It can be low testosterone, early menopause, or mental health issues like depression or anxiety. These issues have absolutely nothing to do with the health of the relationship, but can cause all sorts of problems and arguments. The relationship can be very healthy, you can both have great communication, and just not be in the mood to have sex. This is OK!
What to try: Talk (or encourage your partner to talk) with a doctor and have a checkup to see if there is a biological issue going on which is causing the lack of sex drive or attraction to happen. If it is mental health, your partner may be struggling with their own inner demons and not know how to get themselves out of that hole. Read more on supporting your spouse’s mental health here.
There are many explanations as to why you may be fighting about or arguing about sex. This is not an exhaustive list by any means, but hopefully it is a way to open the doors to increasing communication about possible situations which may be leading to the fights you are having. Don’t lose hope that things will never change, if you are both still fighting about sex, then clearly there is something there which you both feel like fighting for!
If you feel like you need help in working toward successful sex conversations with your spouse, don’t hesitate to reach out via phone or email – (262) 236-5135 or patrickschultz@milwaukeecounselor.com.
Until next time – live truly, love fully!